So far, nothing conclusive about Alyssa's issues. We've ruled out the most obvious, so now we are referred to gatro-enterology that I call tomorrow for an appt.

This holiday sucks. It beyond sucks. I've been fighting tooth and nail to be positive, to keep from succumbing to the sucking vortex of depression that is hovering over my home like a funnel cloud. I'm losing the battle. Mom is wallowing in her own depression. She doesn't want to come out of it. And she seems determined to make me feel bad for forcing any kind of joviality around here.

I'm sorry. Yes, this sucks. I want Amanda and her kids at least together, if not together and here. I want Reshaunda to have a home and utilities and a job and be on her feet. I want mom to feel better and not be hurting and be healthy. I want my husband to be here and sitting with me and making jokes and holding me while I want to just curl up and die and forget all of this mess.

Mom asked me, what do you want for Christmas? My answer "I don't know" but it's really..nothing..Nothing at all that can be picked up at Wal-Mart. Nothing that can be found at any store or market. I am just so tired of faking it.