On a completely different note, I have recently gotten in touch with some old "friends" on Facebook. These are people that, honestly, I am really surprised that they are on there. They just don't seem the type to really be into social networking, ya know?
Anyway, seeing all the old names, I dug out my old photo album and scanned and uploaded a lot of old pictures. Of course, that sent me strolling down memory lane and I've had a lot of conflicting memories and feelings coming up.
You see, I was not a nice, calm, well mannered teenager. No, I was pretty much as far from that as one can get. I was promiscuous, I was into drugs and drinking and partying. I was involved with people that I would probably have a heart attack if one of my children came in and said "hey mom, meet my new friends".
Oh Naji, you say, you couldn't have been THAT bad. All kids make mistakes, all kids hang with the "wrong people" here and there...look at you now! Mom to 4 kids (all from the same man, to whom you are still married!), lower middle class military family, you don't drink except for random rare occasions, no drugs...Nobody who was THAT bad could be where you are now!
Really. Here are my stats:
Kissed my first boy at 12 (on a dare)
Had intercourse for the first time a few months before I turned 14 (on my neighbor's dog's bed)
My husband was the 29th man I had intercourse with, and I had sex with another guy the night after my husband and my first date, making the total an even 30.
No, I cannot remember all of their names. This was in a short 7 year span, as I was 20 when I met my husband.
I got drunk and high the first time at 14. For a while when I was 18/19 I pretty much stayed stoned on marijuana (pretty much woke up to a joint and went to bed with a bowl).
My junior year of high school was pretty much spent on LSD.
I've also done cocaine and various pills and I honestly can't remember what all else.
So, here I am, kind of peeping into the lives of these people who rode along with me on my bumpier parts of life's journey. Why would I even want to look back at that? Because, deep down (or maybe not so deep) a part of me....misses it...? No, that doesn't sound right. I wouldn't go back to that lifestyle for anything. But, I do reminisce and get nostalgic. I think back and I hate to admit but some of the memories are fond. I cared about these people..I still do. I want to know that they are well.
Not so bad, you may say. They were your old friends. But honestly, I don't know if they really were ever my friends. I don't know if any of them felt anything toward me. You see, I spent a large portion of that time numbed. I was an undiagnosed depressive who was self medicating with sex and drugs. I didn't feel as though anyone cared anything for me, and that I really didn't deserve it even if they did. Which brings me back to, why would I want to look back at this time in my life? Haven't I come so far from that?
Appearances say yes, I've come a LONG way. But I still harbor some of the same self loathing. I wonder if, looking over these people, I may be somehow lancing that wound, perhaps to let some of the poison out and perhaps do some real healing. Or, I am just a masochist who enjoys my own pain far too much. I don't know.
Anyway, seeing all the old names, I dug out my old photo album and scanned and uploaded a lot of old pictures. Of course, that sent me strolling down memory lane and I've had a lot of conflicting memories and feelings coming up.
You see, I was not a nice, calm, well mannered teenager. No, I was pretty much as far from that as one can get. I was promiscuous, I was into drugs and drinking and partying. I was involved with people that I would probably have a heart attack if one of my children came in and said "hey mom, meet my new friends".
Oh Naji, you say, you couldn't have been THAT bad. All kids make mistakes, all kids hang with the "wrong people" here and there...look at you now! Mom to 4 kids (all from the same man, to whom you are still married!), lower middle class military family, you don't drink except for random rare occasions, no drugs...Nobody who was THAT bad could be where you are now!
Really. Here are my stats:
Kissed my first boy at 12 (on a dare)
Had intercourse for the first time a few months before I turned 14 (on my neighbor's dog's bed)
My husband was the 29th man I had intercourse with, and I had sex with another guy the night after my husband and my first date, making the total an even 30.
No, I cannot remember all of their names. This was in a short 7 year span, as I was 20 when I met my husband.
I got drunk and high the first time at 14. For a while when I was 18/19 I pretty much stayed stoned on marijuana (pretty much woke up to a joint and went to bed with a bowl).
My junior year of high school was pretty much spent on LSD.
I've also done cocaine and various pills and I honestly can't remember what all else.
So, here I am, kind of peeping into the lives of these people who rode along with me on my bumpier parts of life's journey. Why would I even want to look back at that? Because, deep down (or maybe not so deep) a part of me....misses it...? No, that doesn't sound right. I wouldn't go back to that lifestyle for anything. But, I do reminisce and get nostalgic. I think back and I hate to admit but some of the memories are fond. I cared about these people..I still do. I want to know that they are well.
Not so bad, you may say. They were your old friends. But honestly, I don't know if they really were ever my friends. I don't know if any of them felt anything toward me. You see, I spent a large portion of that time numbed. I was an undiagnosed depressive who was self medicating with sex and drugs. I didn't feel as though anyone cared anything for me, and that I really didn't deserve it even if they did. Which brings me back to, why would I want to look back at this time in my life? Haven't I come so far from that?
Appearances say yes, I've come a LONG way. But I still harbor some of the same self loathing. I wonder if, looking over these people, I may be somehow lancing that wound, perhaps to let some of the poison out and perhaps do some real healing. Or, I am just a masochist who enjoys my own pain far too much. I don't know.
Labels: personal ramblings, reminiscence
posted by Najiwench at 4:40 PM
2 Comments:
I'm happy to see you blogging again :). It's inspired me to start again too. I find it cathartic in a way to just write.
I think we all look back on our past and reminisce. I'm sure, as you have stated, you did some bad stuff, but surly not all of it was that bad. There were probably moments in there that were good. I think what draws us back is wondering if maybe we should of done things differently, or could have. Or maybe we look back to a simpler time when we weren't adults and didn't have all the responsibility that we do now. Of course sometimes we look back because it was fun, and pleasurable. Who knows, I think maybe it is healing for you, but then pain is good now and again too.
I agree with all of the above! I do miss some of those times, and I still have a very warm place in my heart for many of the people from those times, even the ones who hurt me..perhaps the warmest spots are for those who hurt me the worst. I think they gave me a gauge to show how good I have it know, ya know? Without knowing how bad it could be, it would be difficult to know how good it is. And it is definitely cathartic! I plan on some fiction and some inspired by true events fiction as well on here :)
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