The alarm from his cell phone dragged James out of his coma-like sleep. He groaned as he pressed the button to shut it off. One more meeting and then his flight back home.  This had been a horribly long week and he was more than ready to get back to his wife.

As he sat up, his head throbbed and he groaned again. "Wow, I didn't realize I overdid it last night," he said to himself.

He staggered into the small bathroom of his hotel room and leaned against the sink for a minute as  his vision swam. Slowly his eyes focused and the throbbing behind them began to lessen. He reached inside his toiletry bag and retrieved his bottle of pain reliever. After swallowing a couple of the pills, he proceeded to shave, brush his teeth and complete his morning grooming routine.

He was beginning to feel a bit better as he packed his clothes into his suitcase. His meeting began at eight o'clock and he would leave from the conference hall to the airport. He only hoped that the headache would rest at bay until he could sit down and relax on the flight. Perhaps it was a combination of the tension of the meetings and conferences, missing his wife, and not getting enough rest or water. "Oh well," he thought to himself, "just one more to go and I'll be on my way home. Tonight I sleep in my own bed." He shrugged to himself as he checked the drawers and bathroom for any left behind items and grabbed his bags as he shut off the lights to the room and started down to the lobby to check out.

Arriving at the conference hall, he helped himself to a couple of bottles of water and reviewed his notes. He had gone over the information and knew it backward and forward. James was well known for his ability to retain information so he wasn't worried about the presentation at all. He just wanted to get it over with. Other people filed into the conference hall and he shook hands, smiled, nodded and generally rubbed elbows with everyone he was supposed to recognize. Just as the MC began going over the list of presenters, James noticed the whine in his ears. He had experienced tinnitus before but this was an odd sound, not like what he had before. It wasn't too distracting, though, so he grabbed another bottle of water as he listened to the first speaker and waited his turn.

Finally, he was up and presented his speech. It went off without a hitch and he was finished. He watched the final speakers, shook hands and rubbed elbows, and then made his way back to his rental car and the airport. He got his bags, returned his car, and got through the security scans without any worries and simply had to wait the hour for his flight to begin boarding. He passed the time in the bar with a scotch. He hoped maybe it would take the edge off of the odd feeling he had. He attributed the headache and the buzzing in his ears and the slight sense of vertigo and blurred vision to nerves, so hoped that a little relaxing drink might help. It did numb him a bit so he boarded the plan and called his wife.

"Hey, Malissa...I'm on the plane, waiting for everyone else to board." He said.
"No, there aren't many people on the plane, I have my row to myself so I can stretch out. It should be about four hours and I'll be home. The weather is nice so we shouldn't have any problems at all."
"Yes, I love you too, see you soon!" And he hung up. He and his wife had been married for three and a half years and were expecting their first child in six weeks. So far, the pregnancy had been uneventful. They did not find out the gender of the baby, choosing to be surprised in the delivery room. The nursery was prepared in pastel pinks, blues, yellows, greens, and purples. James and Malissa didn't want to set any boundaries on their child at the beginning, so they wanted to have as much variety for him or her as they could find. No gender roles set for their child, he or she would be free to find his or her own way.

James sighed and smiled to himself as he thought about the upcoming sleepless nights, the early morning feedings and the surprises and joys of having a new little person around the house. They wanted to give their child the best possible start to the world, and felt that they were as informed as they could be going into labor and delivery. The had made decisions about vaccination, circumcision, ear piercing, breast feeding, co-sleeping, baby wearing, natural child birth, they had a doula and midwife, they were set. Malissa had been listening to her hypnotic birthing compact discs and practicing the exercises that they detailed, and James had been reading up on how to best support her throughout the process of bringing their child into the world. They had eliminated all the processed foods from their diets, had completely overhauled their entire eating habits and felt better than either of them had ever felt. James still had his drink now and then, but only when he was away from home, and Malissa allowed him that one vice since he had been so committed to helping her do the best they could for their child.

As James mused about the pregnancy and child birth, the rest of the passengers had boarded and the plane had taxied down the runway and was now gaining altitude. He took another pill for his headache and decided to relax for a minute, maybe get some sleep. He looked out the window and noticed that the clouds had a strange, hazy appearance. He looked around the cabin and it, also, had a hazy glow. He felt incredibly tired, though, and thought just closing his eyes for a moment would help. He leaned his head against the window, noticing that the sound in his ears was getting louder and louder but found himself unable to open his eyes. Suddenly, he had a wrenching, stabbing pain in his head but couldn't move his arms or react. Eventually, it passed and he drifted into sleep. He smiled quietly as he saw the silhouette of his wife before him, her obviously pregnant belly protruding before her, and she beckoned to him. She was swallowed by a bright light and he felt himself drifting and floating toward it. 

On a completely different note, I have recently gotten in touch with some old "friends" on Facebook. These are people that, honestly, I am really surprised that they are on there. They just don't seem the type to really be into social networking, ya know?

Anyway, seeing all the old names, I dug out my old photo album and scanned and uploaded a lot of old pictures. Of course, that sent me strolling down memory lane and I've had a lot of conflicting memories and feelings coming up.

You see, I was not a nice, calm, well mannered teenager. No, I was pretty much as far from that as one can get. I was promiscuous, I was into drugs and drinking and partying. I was involved with people that I would probably have a heart attack if one of my children came in and said "hey mom, meet my new friends".

Oh Naji, you say, you couldn't have been THAT bad. All kids make mistakes, all kids hang with the "wrong people" here and there...look at you now! Mom to 4 kids (all from the same man, to whom you are still married!), lower middle class military family, you don't drink except for random rare occasions, no drugs...Nobody who was THAT bad could be where you are now!

Really. Here are my stats:
Kissed my first boy at 12 (on a dare)
Had intercourse for the first time a few months before I turned 14 (on my neighbor's dog's bed)
My husband was the 29th man I had intercourse with, and I had sex with another guy the night after my husband and my first date, making the total an even 30.
No, I cannot remember all of their names. This was in a short 7 year span, as I was 20 when I met my husband.
I got drunk and high the first time at 14. For a while when I was 18/19 I pretty much stayed stoned on marijuana (pretty much woke up to a joint and went to bed with a bowl).
My junior year of high school was pretty much spent on LSD.
I've also done cocaine and various pills and I honestly can't remember what all else.

So, here I am, kind of peeping into the lives of these people who rode along with me on my bumpier parts of life's journey. Why would I even want to look back at that? Because, deep down (or maybe not so deep) a part of me....misses it...? No, that doesn't sound right. I wouldn't go back to that lifestyle for anything. But, I do reminisce and get nostalgic. I think back and I hate to admit but some of the memories are fond. I cared about these people..I still do. I want to know that they are well.

Not so bad, you may say. They were your old friends. But honestly, I don't know if they really were ever my friends. I don't know if any of them felt anything toward me. You see, I spent a large portion of that time numbed. I was an undiagnosed depressive who was self medicating with sex and drugs. I didn't feel as though anyone cared anything for me, and that I really didn't deserve it even if they did. Which brings me back to, why would I want to look back at this time in my life? Haven't I come so far from that?

Appearances say yes, I've come a LONG way. But I still harbor some of the same self loathing. I wonder if, looking over these people, I may be somehow lancing that wound, perhaps to let some of the poison out and perhaps do some real healing. Or, I am just a masochist who enjoys my own pain far too much. I don't know.

We got an update on Alyssa's issue. She's full of crap. Or at least, she was. We have her on Miralax and she has to take it every day. The doctor wants her to have a full 3 months of completely liquid stool to basically reteach her body how to know when she needs to poop. So yay, it wasn't serious and it's fairly easy to fix. The best possible diagnosis!