I was a CAET

When I worked for the animal shelter, I became certified to be an animal euthanasia technician. That means I was one of the people who put the kill in the "kill shelter".

I honestly have no clue how many animals I euthanized. Roughly 30-40 a month for 3 years, plus when I would be on call and have to euthanize, probably 1,550 animals? Somewhere in that range. Every one of them was alone. They didn't have a family crying for them. They didn't have an owner holding them, comforting them. I held each one I could in my arms, told them I was sorry. I told them they were good boys/girls. I told them they would be ok now.

Now, I work in a veterinary clinic. We see healthy animals for check ups, sick animals for treatment. Occasionally we have a client come in and their pet is at the end of its life. So far, I have not had one come in and the owner was not there with them in those moments.

After everything I saw and did as an animal control officer, all the lives I took as an animal euthanasia technician, I have a wall. I can see things that would leave many others broken. Not much gets to me when it comes to those things, not in the way that I have to walk away or that I actually cry. I see it, I process it, I think about what caused it, how to prevent it, how to fix it...but I don't cry, I don't break down.

I've noticed, though, that if the door is open when there is a euthanasia, I can't keep that wall up. Seeing families saying goodbye pulls forward all those animals who didn't have anyone, all those kittens who were so sick they couldn't lift their heads, all those dogs so covered in mange that their skin was like an elephant's hide, all the cats who just couldn't beat the upper respiratory infections or who had been attacked by animals and left to die covered in gore and maggots.

I and the person helping me were often the only kindness some of them ever knew, and that kindness was death. Right now, I am hearing people speak of the shelter I worked at, they talk about how we never cared for the animals, how it was just neglect and abuse while they are there. I think about the things I saw, the animals I picked up, the people who discarded these lives like they were old clothes. I really wish everyone could spend a week actually inside an open admission animal shelter. I wish they could see how hard the employees work, how no matter how many animals are adopted out, there's always more coming in.

I remember kitten season, with pregnant feral cats and kittens coming in ten or twenty a day. Nobody wants to adopt a feral cat. Once in a while you'll get somebody looking for a barn cat, but for the most part, if they are that wild they will never go anywhere. And there's always more.

I remember euthanizing 35 cats and kittens in one day. That's just the cats and kittens. And there were still so many. All of the kennels full, and still portable kennels with cats and kittens.

Working at the clinic, there are so many people who "don't believe in" altering their pets. They think it's unmanly to neuter a male dog. They want "just one litter" out of their female. And I remember the deaths.