Perspective
So, I’m trying my new Chromebook for writing. Not sure where it’s gonna go but I’m making some big changes in life and being less adrift and more directed. 42 years old and my job isn’t guaranteed so I need to get myself together and figure out this adulting thing. First step, documenting my thoughts and feelings. I know I’ve made promises to write more and failed, and I’m not going to do the “this time will be different” thing, but I really do want to do better. So, here goes another chance.
To introduce myself, I’m Naji. Mom of four, wife of one, lover of many. My current employment position is Animal Control Officer. Because of local politics, that is threatened so I don’t know what the future holds, but then, do any of us? Aren’t we all just a misstep, an accident, an illness, or a sweep of good luck away from something completely different? We’re a moment away from an entirely different life we never predicted for ourselves, but that becomes our reality and our future.
I think quite a bit about that. I drive a lot for work, and I work in some fairly precarious situations. One aggressive dog that gets away from me and my life could take a dramatic turn. One inattentive driver and things could be totally different. It’s not the same as living in fear, because I’m not afraid, really, I’m just aware of how quickly things change.
Anyway, as I said, I’m Naji. I’m planning to have more of an online presence, start a vlog and do regular blogs. I really don’t know what all, for sure. Plus I want to work on my novel. I have four children, the oldest is 21, ciswoman, coming quickly onto 22, and living the reality of being a young adult in current society. The second is 18, cisman, and looking toward college and his future. Then there’s another cisgirl who is almost 16. She’s not in school because of her anxiety, and that gives me anxiety. Then there’s the cisboy who is 11, going into 6th grade, and a daily challenge.
Raising children is an interesting endeavor. There are these people looking to me to provide guidance, care, protection, and form them into functional adults that can make a positive contribution to society. There are so many resources to learn how to do things “right” but the wild card is that each child is an individual, with individual thoughts, needs, wants, and ideas. So what works great for most 11 year olds won’t do anything for mine. What works for mine won’t work for somebody else. That’s a harsh learning curve as a parent, because we want to give advice to others and be able to take advice, but too often somebody’s advice might help a little but it doesn’t do as much as they think it will, and sometimes it doesn’t help at all. Yet, we give advice from our own perspective, thinking that’s what others perceive. Unfortunately, each of us has our own way of viewing the world and experiencing things, and dealing with those experiences. So, when we share advice based on our experiences and perceptions, another person doesn’t necessarily share that point of view or perceive the situation the same.
Perception is such an interesting thing. In current culture, we are becoming more aware of how our actions are perceived by those around us. As an example, a woman is walking down the sidewalk. A man smiles at her and says “nice dress!”. His intention is not of ill will, he simply meant to convey that her dress is pretty, he found her attractive and it was the first thing he thought to say to start a conversation and see if she was receptive. To her, it was simple compliment. She smiled and said “Thank you” and continued on her way. That was the end of the encounter. A woman sitting nearby, however, witnessed the encounter. She had previously been stalked and assaulted by a man who had simply complimented her hair. To her, this man is being aggressive and frightening. She feels afraid for the other woman’s safety.
Are any of them wrong? No, their feelings are genuine. None of them has any further information from the encounter. The frightened woman could have been right. It gets overwhelming when we begin to second guess our every move, wondering if what we are doing or saying is going to be perceived as aggressive, mean, dismissive, or in any way beyond how we intend it to be. One of our first instincts is to become defensive. That’s not what I meant! You’re being too sensitive! It was just a joke! Why can’t you take a compliment?
What we have to understand is that the way a person receives our message is not in our hands. We cannot dictate how something affects another person. What we have control over is how we handle their expression of their feelings. When a person expresses their feelings, they are entrusting us with part of themselves. We have to be cautious that we don’t take that expression and damage it. We cannot diminish their feelings, we should not dismiss them, we should not expect them to change how they feel about something. A feeling isn’t controlled. It’s the immediate reaction we have to stimuli.
So, if somebody says that something you have said or done has upset them, don’t dismiss their feelings. Put yourself in their position and think how you would want to be treated if you were upset by something. Empathize with them and realize they are not attacking you any more than you were attacking them. Recognize that their feelings and response is valid then try to express what you meant in a way that isn’t as confrontational.
To introduce myself, I’m Naji. Mom of four, wife of one, lover of many. My current employment position is Animal Control Officer. Because of local politics, that is threatened so I don’t know what the future holds, but then, do any of us? Aren’t we all just a misstep, an accident, an illness, or a sweep of good luck away from something completely different? We’re a moment away from an entirely different life we never predicted for ourselves, but that becomes our reality and our future.
I think quite a bit about that. I drive a lot for work, and I work in some fairly precarious situations. One aggressive dog that gets away from me and my life could take a dramatic turn. One inattentive driver and things could be totally different. It’s not the same as living in fear, because I’m not afraid, really, I’m just aware of how quickly things change.
Anyway, as I said, I’m Naji. I’m planning to have more of an online presence, start a vlog and do regular blogs. I really don’t know what all, for sure. Plus I want to work on my novel. I have four children, the oldest is 21, ciswoman, coming quickly onto 22, and living the reality of being a young adult in current society. The second is 18, cisman, and looking toward college and his future. Then there’s another cisgirl who is almost 16. She’s not in school because of her anxiety, and that gives me anxiety. Then there’s the cisboy who is 11, going into 6th grade, and a daily challenge.
Raising children is an interesting endeavor. There are these people looking to me to provide guidance, care, protection, and form them into functional adults that can make a positive contribution to society. There are so many resources to learn how to do things “right” but the wild card is that each child is an individual, with individual thoughts, needs, wants, and ideas. So what works great for most 11 year olds won’t do anything for mine. What works for mine won’t work for somebody else. That’s a harsh learning curve as a parent, because we want to give advice to others and be able to take advice, but too often somebody’s advice might help a little but it doesn’t do as much as they think it will, and sometimes it doesn’t help at all. Yet, we give advice from our own perspective, thinking that’s what others perceive. Unfortunately, each of us has our own way of viewing the world and experiencing things, and dealing with those experiences. So, when we share advice based on our experiences and perceptions, another person doesn’t necessarily share that point of view or perceive the situation the same.
Perception is such an interesting thing. In current culture, we are becoming more aware of how our actions are perceived by those around us. As an example, a woman is walking down the sidewalk. A man smiles at her and says “nice dress!”. His intention is not of ill will, he simply meant to convey that her dress is pretty, he found her attractive and it was the first thing he thought to say to start a conversation and see if she was receptive. To her, it was simple compliment. She smiled and said “Thank you” and continued on her way. That was the end of the encounter. A woman sitting nearby, however, witnessed the encounter. She had previously been stalked and assaulted by a man who had simply complimented her hair. To her, this man is being aggressive and frightening. She feels afraid for the other woman’s safety.
Are any of them wrong? No, their feelings are genuine. None of them has any further information from the encounter. The frightened woman could have been right. It gets overwhelming when we begin to second guess our every move, wondering if what we are doing or saying is going to be perceived as aggressive, mean, dismissive, or in any way beyond how we intend it to be. One of our first instincts is to become defensive. That’s not what I meant! You’re being too sensitive! It was just a joke! Why can’t you take a compliment?
What we have to understand is that the way a person receives our message is not in our hands. We cannot dictate how something affects another person. What we have control over is how we handle their expression of their feelings. When a person expresses their feelings, they are entrusting us with part of themselves. We have to be cautious that we don’t take that expression and damage it. We cannot diminish their feelings, we should not dismiss them, we should not expect them to change how they feel about something. A feeling isn’t controlled. It’s the immediate reaction we have to stimuli.
So, if somebody says that something you have said or done has upset them, don’t dismiss their feelings. Put yourself in their position and think how you would want to be treated if you were upset by something. Empathize with them and realize they are not attacking you any more than you were attacking them. Recognize that their feelings and response is valid then try to express what you meant in a way that isn’t as confrontational.
Labels: personal ramblings
posted by Najiwench at 11:54 AM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home