Slipping into darkness. I feel it. I've felt it for a bit now but today was the last straw. I'm not sure how long I can fight it. Just the other day, when I donated blood, I wondered just what would happen if, right after I got home, I took off the tourniquet, ran a hot hot bath, picked the clot, and let the blood flow. Would Greg cry? Would he just shrug and keep going? Would the kids really be as much better off as my chemically imbalanced brain thinks they would be? Without me there to drag them down, to set such a bad example. If they didn't have somebody so flawed to rely on, who continually lets them down and fails them? How much of that perception is real and how much of it is my illness? I don't know. May never know.

After today I feel like 10x more of a failure. I have let them down even more. They deserve so much better. Why was I made to be their mother, why was it me? Why couldn't I have been unable to have children, never given the opportunity to ruin lives in such a profound way. Why do I have such an amazing man who puts up with all of my flaws, I don't deserve any of it. But, if I turn away, give up, throw in the towel, that's the ultimate failure, isn't it? Just proving that yes, I am far too flawed to fix, the ultimate fail from a lifetime of fails. I'm not going to do it, but it's so fucking tempting. It's just so hard to face every day, realizing I'm just going to let people down that much more.