So, I've been introspective the past few days and have been thinking...there are a lot of things about me that other people might not know, or might know but think *I* don't know about myself. I am always a little taken aback when I say something about myself and somebody comments "Wow, I can't believe you admitted that" as if I don't know myself. Are there that many people who are just kind of blind to themselves?

I am obese. I'm not "fluffy" or "a little heavy". I'm fat. I admit it. It's mostly my fault. I don't eat as I should, I definitely am not as active as I should be, and I have a depressive and thyroid disorder that exacerbates my own poor decisions. The thyroid doesn't make me fat so much as it makes it frustrating to try to lose weight. Most people, if they simply take in fewer calories than they burn, make sure they are burning some calories, will see some weight loss. For me, it takes a bit more than that. I sometimes joke that my metabolism is in reverse, but it's almost true. For other people, if they are seeing progress, they can give themselves a small cheat, a prize, and it won't hurt anything. For me, it seems to completely undo everything that I've done and I wind up back at the beginning. Add to that my enviable lack of self control when it comes to yummy things, and you see where my problem lies.

Along this same line, I am exceedingly lazy. Seriously. I abhor housework and have found myself many times living in conditions that would curl most people's toenails. I could wax philosophical and blame my upbringing, as my mother was inconsistent with what she expected, and to this day doesn't seem able to clean up without getting angry, so I associate cleaning with anger, and I hate being angry, it drains me, it makes me physically sick to my stomach. Is this why I don't pick up? I don't know. I just know that I have a hard time getting myself to do it. I make myself a schedule and try to stick to it, make it a week and that's it.

I am socially awkward. I don't feel as though I get along well with people. I don't know if they recognize this, but I feel as though I am being scrutinized and as soon as I'm out of the room eyes roll and exasperation follows me. "Can you believe she actually said that?" "What was she thinking?" "Does she ever brush her hair?" "How could she leave the house looking like that?" "Thank goodness she left" or "And there she goes, ducking out early as usual". Perhaps this is another reason I don't pick up. If my house is dirty, I have a ready excuse not to invite anyone over. And just typing that, the little voice in my head said "like anyone would come over if you invited them.."

I am overly concerned with what others think of me. Sometimes this gets to the point of compromising my own standards to keep with the status quo. I have some very strong opinions, but I rarely speak on them, particularly if I am in a group of people who might feel differently. I will do just about anything I can to avoid confrontation face to face.

I have an extremely hard time trusting people. I avoid actually having to rely on people as much as I can. However, I have a hard time saying no to others if they need help with something. I've gotten better at it, but it still nags at me if somebody needs something and I could help but I just don't, no matter how out of my way it would be or how much it would take away from whatever else I have going on.

I am what I think of as passively suicidal. I think about it probably every day, several times a day. I have attempted it in the past, and thought about it more than that more recently. It's difficult to talk about. I tell myself that it is the ultimate selfish action a person can make, no matter how selfless they think it is. When I'm at my darkest times, I believe deep down that those around me would be much better off if I was not polluting their lives. I feel that my children deserve a much better mother and I still can't see what keeps my husband around. But, I have to convince myself that these are delusions, this is an illness and it is not the truth. No child has ever said "thank god my mother killed herself" and my children will not be different. I tell myself that it is NOT selfish to want to see what they become and how they decide to live their lives. This is an active inner dialogue I have with myself rather frequently.

Now, I know that some will read that last paragraph and become incredibly worried. Please don't. I am not actively suicidal. If I get down like that and I cannot convince myself that it is not selfish, I will call somebody, and I know there are people I can rely on. I also make sure that I don't have anything around the house that would be easy to use to do it. Please don't think that I am in imminent danger. I am simply sharing what goes on in my own head so that somebody might be able to better understand why I act the way I do sometimes, or maybe even somebody feels the same and can commiserate and see that we can live through these feelings.

I know that I am ill. I know that what I think and feel is unhealthy. I am medicated, which helps a LOT with my feelings. I also know that there is no "fix" to what is wrong with me. I know that it's just a matter of managing what I am feeling and learning to live with it.