Brain Bleach

 I have a lot of thoughts that have been going on in my head, especially late at night, and I figured I'd take a chance putting them out and see if anyone is interested. 

To start, brain bleach. 

Ok so I have a morbid fascination with some gore, violence, trauma, etc. I don't know why. It tickles a spot in my brain, reminds me I'm alive. I guess in a way it can be a relief, the ones where somebody passes very quickly, like maybe not being alive doesn't have to be that scary. 

IN NO WAY does any of it trigger feelings of harming myself or, particularly, anyone else. I know there are people with those kinds of fascinations, and I run into them pretty frequently in the groups about such things, where they actually have fascination with doing things to others. Absolutely not for me. No. In fact, I hope I never ever ever see any of that stuff involving a human being in real life. Computer images are it. (Involving animals, I work in vet med and see some brutal things. Not that I seek it out and I actually avoid such things involving animals. I see enough at work, thanks)

Anyway, included in some of this is true crime and I have been watching a youtube channel focused on true crime stories, called Explore With Us Crime Storytime. It is a very good channel and goes a lot into the psychology of some of the crimes, it breaks down the interrogations and so on. I highly recommend if you are interested in such content. 

But, sometimes something will get into  my brain and I just can't let go. Recently, I saw their video about Cristian Fernandez. He was a young teen who murdered his baby brother. Horrific, but the story also explains that his mother was like 11 years old when she had him, his step father had badly abused him, and he had taken out some of the anguish from those memories on his brother. 

The video showed his interrogation and his mother talking to the police (she was no angel, she didn't even take the baby to the hospital until about 9 hours after the injuries were sustained, he might have been able to survive if he had gotten medical care promptly). Watching that poor little boy in that police interrogation room, realizing the depth of what he had done, it broke my heart. He never had a chance. The people who were supposed to look out and protect him failed him utterly. 

It stuck with me. I couldn't shake it. I kept seeing the image if him crying in that interrogation room. Thinking of him, a 13 year old, tried as an adult. In jail for the formative part of his life. How could he ever be ok? I looked up what happened to him. His attorney actually became his guardian ad litem. She visited him weekly. She looked out for him and he was able to get out of jail and is doing ok, as far as I know. And, sadly, being in jail was the first time he felt some kind of safety. 

It took so much to get that out of my mind. And, honestly? What did it was having sex lol. I needed a boost of dopamine and oxytocin to remind my brain how to be happy. I didn't even want to do it, but went along because, meh..why not...it'd been a while. Then, afterward, that fog was lifted and I was able to push the sad feelings out of my mind. 

But, of course that wasn't too long lasting. So, I watched other videos to try to shake it. Of course, a video that came up was a man who had shot his girlfriend and her son. And of course there was graphic description of the crime scene, and it wasn't a quick and it's over situation. And, that stuck. And I keep getting visions of that poor child's last moments in my head and they stick. 

Now, I'm trying some brain bleach. Watching some Ze Frank "True Facts". Huggabees "How It's Really Made" and A Chick Called Albert (I sincerely recommend this channel, he hatches eggs. It's amazing)

What do you do when you need brain bleach? I tried cute animal videos, but too many of those are things that aren't really that cute. Too many are people recording illnesses thinking they are cute behaviors, or behaviors that are warning signs and thinking "oh he's so cute". No, Helen, he's telling you to cut it out or he will bite you. 

Anyway, there is so much bad going on right now, I think it's important for all of us to have a way to remind our brains how to be happy. Or at least a way to push bad things away for a minute. Find your happy.