So far, nothing conclusive about Alyssa's issues. We've ruled out the most obvious, so now we are referred to gatro-enterology that I call tomorrow for an appt.

This holiday sucks. It beyond sucks. I've been fighting tooth and nail to be positive, to keep from succumbing to the sucking vortex of depression that is hovering over my home like a funnel cloud. I'm losing the battle. Mom is wallowing in her own depression. She doesn't want to come out of it. And she seems determined to make me feel bad for forcing any kind of joviality around here.

I'm sorry. Yes, this sucks. I want Amanda and her kids at least together, if not together and here. I want Reshaunda to have a home and utilities and a job and be on her feet. I want mom to feel better and not be hurting and be healthy. I want my husband to be here and sitting with me and making jokes and holding me while I want to just curl up and die and forget all of this mess.

Mom asked me, what do you want for Christmas? My answer "I don't know" but it's really..nothing..Nothing at all that can be picked up at Wal-Mart. Nothing that can be found at any store or market. I am just so tired of faking it.

Ok, this is going to be a TMI blog about my middle girl. I took her to the doctor today. She's been having some bleeding from her rectum for quite a while now. Like, a long time. It's when she has a bowel movement and it's not EVERY time, but it's often enough that I notice and got concerned. I put it off because I always thought "it's probably just fissures or something benign and I'll look silly for taking her in for it and it's such an uncomfortable exam, I don't want to put her through it for nothing". But, the other day I found yet another bloody wad of tp in the trash can and couldn't put it off any more. It's not vaginal bleeding, it has feces mixed in with it, so it is definitely from the rectum. It's bright red blood, so it's fresh and not dried or old blood.


So, we went to the doctor today. He asked if she has nosebleeds. Well, actually, she does. She hasn't in a while, but a year or two ago we had some pretty nasty ones, one was so bad she was crying blood tears (she freaked out about the bloody nose that wouldn't stop, started crying, and the blood was backed up into her sinuses so came out her tear ducts). I took her in and they did blood work after that but didn't find anything. He asked if she has bleeding gums. Well, yes..she does. But she just got her braces tightened and they've been bleeding since then, so I associated it with that (her gums are really irritated since her last orthodontist visit). He asked if she bruises easily. Yes..she does...sorta. But she's an active 10 year old girl who loves to run and play, and she's kind of clumsy so she bonks herself quite a bit.

So, he goes ahead and does the physical exam. He doesn't find anything externally on her anus so does this little doohickey thingie that helps him look inside. It was kind of like a speculum but it didn't crank open. He inserted it and she said it hurt so I held her hand and talked to her and then when he removed it, she kind of spasmed and seemed to almost have some sort of seizure. It scared the holy shit out of me. Her eyes got this distant look and it took a few seconds to bring her back to me. The doctor said it was probably just from fear.

But, he said he didn't see anything from that, either. So we are getting a referral to a gastroenterologist and they did some blood work to check for anemia and clotting factors.

And we asked to make sure that nobody has been touching or hurting her there. I'm trying not to be worried...but I can't help it *sigh*