So, I had a person in my dream last night who I haven't seen in a while. He started appearing to me via my dreams just over 15 years ago. He has strawberry blond hair and an impish smile that is contagious. His brilliant blue eyes can reach into your soul and his cute little mouth has full, bow shaped lips.
Usually, when he appears, he's between a year and two years old, but last night he was a bit older, maybe 8 or 9. I know in my heart who he is, though he doesn't have a name and I never saw his face or held him in my arms. Thinking about it, he would be almost 15 right about now. Heck, I don't even know if he was actually a he, but it was right after the miscarriage that my angel baby started visiting me, so I think he was. He visits me most often right before a big change, so maybe something's coming up..the move or a job or something, but he usually is a sign of something positive. He always makes me happy when I see him.
But, his visit last night and other recent things going on have had me thinking a lot about the loss of a child. It's devastating, no matter the circumstances, and a lot of times it's something that a parent never gets over. I mean, how do you get over something like that? Most often, you don't, you just learn how to keep going.
See, about 15 1/2 years ago, I had a miscarriage. I was devastated, it was the worst day of my life. There were a lot of things going on and, honestly, in hind sight, it was the best possible outcome considering where I was in life. I was only 8 weeks pregnant and it was "just one of those things". No real rhyme or reason to why I lost the baby, but now I know in my heart that it was a sign that I was not where I needed to be and it happened to shake me up and make me grow up.
I've had one other miscarriage, when we were trying to conceive with Alyssa, but for some reason that one didn't shake my foundation like the first. I don't know if it was because I was more stable, both with myself, but with the world around me, I was in a safe place and had support that I didn't have the first time, or if it was just that I had more life experience or what. But, that first one is still with me. I like to believe that his little spirit is with me, watching me, and helping me along. Heck, he may have been my guide all my life and just chose that time to manifest as that little person, I don't know.
But, I almost feel bad saying that I've lost a child. Compared to friends who have lost babies after longer pregnancies, who had either a premature birth and lost the child, or who delivered a baby who wasn't alive, an 8 week miscarriage is small potatoes. I never felt him kick, never heard his heartbeat, never got a chance to pick out a name for him or buy him clothes or toys or set up a nursery for him. I don't have any physical reminders of the possibility of his life.
But I still have that sore spot where he'll always live. That thought of "what if?" even though I know that scenario would not be what was meant to happen, that if that had continued, I would not have the four beautiful and amazing children I have today, or be in the place I am today. You see, it was just a few months after that miscarriage that I got pregnant with my oldest daughter. In fact, within a year of that miscarriage, I had gotten married and had my daughter.
But, I think I will always have that smiling blue eyed boy with me. And I'm ok with that.
Usually, when he appears, he's between a year and two years old, but last night he was a bit older, maybe 8 or 9. I know in my heart who he is, though he doesn't have a name and I never saw his face or held him in my arms. Thinking about it, he would be almost 15 right about now. Heck, I don't even know if he was actually a he, but it was right after the miscarriage that my angel baby started visiting me, so I think he was. He visits me most often right before a big change, so maybe something's coming up..the move or a job or something, but he usually is a sign of something positive. He always makes me happy when I see him.
But, his visit last night and other recent things going on have had me thinking a lot about the loss of a child. It's devastating, no matter the circumstances, and a lot of times it's something that a parent never gets over. I mean, how do you get over something like that? Most often, you don't, you just learn how to keep going.
See, about 15 1/2 years ago, I had a miscarriage. I was devastated, it was the worst day of my life. There were a lot of things going on and, honestly, in hind sight, it was the best possible outcome considering where I was in life. I was only 8 weeks pregnant and it was "just one of those things". No real rhyme or reason to why I lost the baby, but now I know in my heart that it was a sign that I was not where I needed to be and it happened to shake me up and make me grow up.
I've had one other miscarriage, when we were trying to conceive with Alyssa, but for some reason that one didn't shake my foundation like the first. I don't know if it was because I was more stable, both with myself, but with the world around me, I was in a safe place and had support that I didn't have the first time, or if it was just that I had more life experience or what. But, that first one is still with me. I like to believe that his little spirit is with me, watching me, and helping me along. Heck, he may have been my guide all my life and just chose that time to manifest as that little person, I don't know.
But, I almost feel bad saying that I've lost a child. Compared to friends who have lost babies after longer pregnancies, who had either a premature birth and lost the child, or who delivered a baby who wasn't alive, an 8 week miscarriage is small potatoes. I never felt him kick, never heard his heartbeat, never got a chance to pick out a name for him or buy him clothes or toys or set up a nursery for him. I don't have any physical reminders of the possibility of his life.
But I still have that sore spot where he'll always live. That thought of "what if?" even though I know that scenario would not be what was meant to happen, that if that had continued, I would not have the four beautiful and amazing children I have today, or be in the place I am today. You see, it was just a few months after that miscarriage that I got pregnant with my oldest daughter. In fact, within a year of that miscarriage, I had gotten married and had my daughter.
But, I think I will always have that smiling blue eyed boy with me. And I'm ok with that.
Labels: personal ramblings, reminiscence
posted by Najiwench at 6:51 PM
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