Day 1, Jan 8, 2015

Such a mixture of emotions I am feeling right now.

I will post an update on my history with my mother and go into that, but just to get started I'm starting to shift into a different mode. Yesterday on the way home was elation..last night was joy. Today has been a relief but tonight I am starting to feel anxious. What if yesterday was the last time I ever see my mother? What if it's NOT?

Do I really want to see her again? Do I want her to have ANY part in my life anymore? Am I ready to take the step to completely separate from her? Or am I going to be ok just being casual and doing periodic updates and phone calls?

I don't know exactly what she is thinking. She pretty much made it clear that she believes we are kicking her out (that *I* am kicking her out) even though she has spent the past 18 years talking about "when I get out of this hell hole of a house"...So, does she even want to maintain a relationship with me? And if she does not, how do I feel about that?

I just don't know yet. I'm working on it and the emotions are in turmoil and I just plain don't know how I feel. My stomach is sick right now, I looked at her facebook page to see if she has logged on and I saw her picture and my stomach flipped.

We had tacos tonight and nobody bitched about all the spicy food or all the damn cheese or taunted me about how I was going to burn it. And I didn't burn anything, it turned out pretty damn good.