This healing and recovery process is slow...It's so hard not to take the bait, and teetering on the edge of full separation but not ready to do that, don't really want to...but every other day is some other guilt trip.

I don't want to feel like a bad daughter who took advantage. I don't want to be made to look like the bad guy who kicked a sad old woman out into the cold. I have to get over that fear because no matter what happens, there will be those who see me that way. Those who don't understand the years and years that I suffered. Or those who think that you are supposed to suffer for your parents, they're your parents and you're supposed to love them unconditionally.

I don't have broken bones, I don't have bruises or scars. Not that anyone can see. And all I have is my point of view, so few have actually seen my perspective, because that's how narcissism works...She doesn't realize what she's done. She doesn't realize what she continues to do. She doesn't realize what the guilt has done, how much my health and life has suffered, how much I fear that I am just like her.

I think that is the hardest part. She doesn't know. And there is no way to tell her. I could sit down and pour my heart out (I actually have) and it comes back to bite me in the ass. I "can't let anything go" from the same person who reminds me regularly about how I broke a figurine when I was two. I "exaggerate" or I am too sensitive.

One of the stories I hear the most is how, at less than 2 days old, I got my first spanking. I was "spoiled" and didn't want to be put down. That was how I was raised, believing that I was born spoiled, that I never had a chance, that I am selfish and only pretty on the outside (which I never even believed that much). I don't know how many times I was told that I was ugly on the inside. How selfish I was. Lazy..that's a favorite and one of my triggers. I *HATE* that word, and to be called lazy will trigger me into that 7 year old little girl with anxiety and a "nervous stomach" who doesn't want to do anything because even if I do, it's not good enough.

She posted a meme on my wall that had a list of things "your mother never told you"...one of them was "it hurt every time you cried"

Except, I can't believe that. She seemed to glory in making me cry, in saying exactly what it would take to dig deep into me and hurt me the most. I can't imagine that she would continue to do that KNOWING what it would do...if it hurt her. I think maybe it hurt her to see me cry when it wasn't her doing, but I think part of her enjoyed having that power over me..and I think that's what started making things come to an end, when I stopped caring enough to let it hurt me to the point that it would make me cry like that...that was when I started growing a backbone and realizing what she was doing.